Heat and Smoke

I didn't smoke at all yesterday. Proud of it, God knows how desperately I wanted to smoke.

Had a long chat with DBL, it was fun & interesting. She shared a story about a chain smoking guy she knew who got diagnosed with a lung disease recently, and another friend of hers who ruined both his liver and lungs by drinking & smoking, respectively. I don't want to end up like these guys.

I didn't take my medicines yesterday night, somewhat on purpose. Feel a little weird today, barely "slept" for 2 hours. Feel so anxious about tomorrow, first day of last semester. Lecture is still bearable, I hate the thought of going to my lab.

Had a chat with Pooh and Nosy as well, was fun talking to them.

It's 9.30 in the morning, and the sun is shining so brightly. The heat is so intense that even though the windows are closed, I can feel the burning warmth on my back as I sit beside them. I can hear the metal of the window frames crack as they expand under the blistering sunshine. Have seen a "morning" after so many days. Hotter than usual today.

Feel like shit due to lack of sleep, room's a huge mess. Maybe I will ballot for tutorial and clean my room, make use of this last day of vacation.

In a rut

Today I woke up feeling a little depressed. Slept at nearly 7 in the morning, took my medicines before I slept.

I wish I led an interesting life, instead of just sitting at home most of the time and having my life revolve around TV, laptop and books. Silently suffering in crushing loneliness and anxiety, battling the extreme highs and lows of BPD, living in cycles of obsessive and impulsive behaviour, stuck in a permanent state of fatigue, punctuated with aggression.

BPD

Recently, I was diagnosed with Mixed Bipolar Disorder. That means I have a mental illness which will be with me for my entire life.

Other than my therapist and psychiatrist, I have told less than 10 people about it and only 2 can somewhat understand what it feels like to live with this condition. One of them, Doc, has Bipolar Disorder himself, and the other friend, SUV, helped Doc when he was at his lowest. So he can roughly understand what BPD sufferers go through. I thank Doc for sharing his experience with me and for convincing me to seek professional help. And I thank SUV for listening to me and being a good friend.

I would also like to thank two other friends, Bonnie and Clyde. Bonnie for being really sweet and for sharing her own experience with depression. And Clyde for everything he did for me when I was hospitalized for one night. I will always be indebted to him for his selfless actions.

I am grateful to two more individuals, Curly and SDPC, for giving me advice and time, respectively, whenever I asked for it.

I have told another guy, DJ, about my condition, something which was on an impulse. I am glad he didn't react negatively. I have also told Pooh about it; I thank her for her kind words and for forgiving me for what I did to her. And I think I have mentioned it to a couple of other people, but I can't really remember so I guess they are unimportant.

Most importantly, I have told Ruth about it. She said her prayers are with me, which matters a great deal to me. Ever though she isn't in my life anymore, to know that she wishes well for me is enough.

So that makes roughly 13 people in all to whom I have mentioned this condition of mine. I haven't told my parents yet, and I will try not to tell them as long as I can continue to shell out nearly 100 dollars for a month's supply of medicines from my savings. That reminds me that I didn't take my medicines tonight and it's nearly 6.30 AM and I have been wide awake the whole night- talking to my sister, reading DBL's blog and smoking 3 sticks (thus finishing all my cigarettes).

Shit.

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I used to have a blog called Misprint which was active around 2006/2007. I mostly used it to put up interesting links, pictures & quotes, nothing personal. In its heyday, it used to get nearly 100 visitors a day and when you searched for "misprint" in Google, my blog was consistently among the top 5 results. Even got mentioned/linked in an Indian newspaper (DNA), India Uncut and Desipundit, among others. I was obsessed with tracking all the visitors, poring over the numerous stats. Then I deleted it one day when I was feeling particularly sad.

I have tried to find the will to blog again but it just never materialized. Was too busy keeping up with life.

Somehow, I feel I should blog again, and try something more personal this time. Here it goes.